World around tiredness

Posted in "Psychology", English, Reflections, Thoughts, Worry with tags , , on January 10, 2012 by Nemie

So many nights and days.

You are supposed to wake up in the morning and make yourself ready to go. Either you are home taking care of the kids, or you’re going to work, or you’re going to school or just hanging out with friends. Either way, you wake up in the morning. People tell you ever since you’re a kid that: “You have to go to bed early since you have to wake up early. That’s how it works.” If a kid refuses to go to sleep, he/she gets punished because they aren’t obeying. If a child isn’t tired in the evening, they must have been eating too much sugar or something. Now if a kid is tired in the morning, they will get yelled at: “I told you that you should go to sleep earlier. See now how tired you are!” All this is very true. Most children are tired in the morning because they were awake too long and they aren’t tired in the evening if they eat too much sugar and stuff.

Tho, people tend to forget that, even if you aren’t tired in the evening and you’re dead tired in the morning. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the person was up all night or ate too much sugar before bed.  Some people just are tired by “design”.

I myself suffer from chronic tiredness together with extreme insomnia. These in combination is extremely hard to live with. I’m are dead tired most of the time, but I cannot fall asleep. Doctors have found out as much that I lack a certain -chemical- in my brain that normal people release when they are about to go to bed that puts them to sleep. I’m not a doctor so I have no idea what it is or how it works really. Just have understood that I don’t have everything I’m supposed to have to be able to sleep properly.

Other thing is that I am one of the people who has a 28hour day instead of 24h. Most people say this is humbug, but it has been proven that some people tend to have longer days “built in”.

When I was younger I used to be late for school most of the days. For a while my aunt got mad at me for being late, but she realized after a while that I could manage school even tho I wasn’t always on time. When I got a bit older she started to get annoyed of my tiredness and used to pull me out of bed angrily and made me do chores and stuff as punishment. I understand her, she didn’t know why I was tired. She just thought I was up all night doing what ever and then tried to sleep during the day. It wasn’t my choice really. Sometimes I would get so mad at her and defied everything. When you’re tired all the time you really get angry lot faster than others. Everything is annoying.

When I started High School. I took a school an hour away from home, instead of one of the schools near as the others. My aunt laughed at me and said that I would never be able to manage that. The thing was, I took a school with only 3 days of schoolwork and rest I did on my own, when ever, where ever. This made it possible for me to sleep more some days than others. Tho my insomnia escalated at this point and I wasn’t able to fall asleep properly for days sometimes and then I would just “crash” and sleep a whole day. This made my aunt even more angry and ended up on that I had to move out. She thought I did it on purpose. So I moved to my own apartment. Took care of myself. No one was complaining and telling me what to do. This helped actually. I got to sleep when I felt like it and I was less tired at school when I got there.

After a few years, being out of work and just being with myself for a while. I started to study again. Realized that I’m not made to just be, I need something to do.

During the first half year. I started to get more and more tired. I had to go to school 5 days a week and it was starting to get to me. During the next year I crashed. I didn’t know what happened at first, but after being home for 3 weeks because I couldn’t take the subway to school. Always got nausea on the way. I went to see a doctor. Talked to her for a long time and she started to ask questions no doctor ever had. She then told me that she will refer me to a psychiatrists who could help me more. It turns out that I was deeply depressed, had socialfobia and that it’s not normal to have insomnia as long as I have had. So I started to go there regularly and I started to get better for most parts. The tiredness stayed. After a while the doctor at the psychiatric told me that I’m not made to work/go to school 5 days a week. I seem to take a lot of damage of it. I didn’t care. I liked school, but I promised to take it easy.

After school I got a job and it was fine at first. Then I started to sleep even worse, I couldn’t eat properly and I was agitated all the time. My psychiatrist saw this and reported to the doctor, who then called me in for a meeting and made me stay home for a month and look for another job. Apparently the job I had wasn’t good for me, it made everything worse. I got a new job, much better job. With a boss who was understanding and helpful. I got back on my feet, started to feel better and I started to believe everything would be okay again. It did for a while. Everything was much better for couple of years.

Last year I started to feel more tired than usual. First I thought I was sick, but after few weeks I started to wonder. I reported this to my doctor who asked me: “Do you think it is temporary or is it going to get worse?” I said temporary I hoped. So we let it be and I promised to come back if it didn’t give in. During the fall it just got worse and worse. Started to loose my will to do anything. Everything is boring and uninteresting. Ate less and slept really poorly. Finally I contacted my psychiatrist again and told her how it had been for a few months and I did a test to see how depressed I was, again. Seems a lot, but mostly it could be the tiredness fault. So now it’s time to see the doctor again. See what she has to say. Since I can barely take myself of out bed in the morning to go to work. I’m late most of the days. Just so dead tired every day and no one knows how to help me.

I’m tired of being tired all the time. It’s not as much fun wanting to sleep all the time as it may sound for some people. I just want to sleep properly, know how it feels to wake up in the morning and be wide awake. Can’t even remember when I last time felt like I had slept well. 2 Days left until I see my doctor again and then I get to know what she want to do. Since it’s starting to go out of control.

I want to work. I love working. I don’t want to be tired. I have tried to eat differently. Move more ( walking and stuff ). Eating more and more vitamins. Going to sleep different hours to see if it helps. Sleeping between 4-12 hours to see if it does any difference. Everything fails. I just sleep badly and I’m always tired. Always.

One day I will get away from this and I will be happy and enjoying life. Until then. Stop complaining about me being tired, sleeping a lot and just being me. I look tired all day long so I have to tell people that I am per default tired. I’m working on it. I’m trying to be better. One day, I will be better and I don’t have to look tired all day and want to sleep. The day I’m starting to feel normal again, I will be happy!

Just remember. Some people are tired even if they aren’t up all night doing god knows what or eating too much sugar.

As a side note; I don’t drink coffee (never have), I have cut down on sugar intake a lot the past years and I try to stay away from stuff that are supposed to make you ‘alert’. So my insomnia has nothing to do with these.

Tiredness, well, not much helps on that. Not even sleep. I get a bit less sleepy during the night, but I’m still tired when I wake up. Still tired during the day and when I go to bed… Evil circle that is!

There isn’t much you can do when you are tired. You see world differently. You don’t want to all the things others do because it takes too much energy. Just stop caring about trivial stuff and take care of yourself. Most people give up and stay home. Refusing to do anything. I don’t want to be one of them. I want to get better and be able to work my fullest. I want to give everything. For now, I give my average and try to stay healthy and keep working. Getting better and just living my life as I see fit.

Project

Posted in English, Technology/IT, Work on September 8, 2011 by Nemie

Projects are fun. You get to learn new things. You see things grow from nothing to something. All the little things you never think about are really important. Miss one and everything can fall.

I am in a project doing just that.
I got to be there from the start. I created the development virtual server so the developers could start building this totally new portal for a clients client.
At first not much happened just got a lot of dates for deadlines. That mainly, in my head, concerned the developers. Ack! How wrong I was…
Then came the planning of the test servers that are supposed to mirror the Production servers perfectly! Now how do I do that when I have nothing to go with?

Well, it started that I got the specs on what was needed. Disk space, RAM, CPUs, load and how big the database might grow.
Then I just created the test servers on VMware. Then we ordered the server for prod. Everything is virtualized in VMware on Prod too. Then we had to order a UPS and a Switch.
Tricky part started about now. What network should be in? We had to plan the entire network with subnets and what not. I can’t network at all and it seemed all very confusing and weird. Now we have a rainbow in our server-room because of all the colors of the network cables. Mind not to pull the wrong color or someone is going to be mad!

Now all that in place. Oh I need to learn how to install the portal? What I have to know how the database works? PostgreSQL? Yeah… piece of cake?
I spent about a week reading up on how to make backups of postgresql databases. Then I spent even more time trying to make it work IRL. On paper it all seemed so easy.
First you have to uncomment a lot of stuff in the conf file. Then you get to decide a lot of time intervals and finally you have to write a command that acctually does the backups for you. Oh and don’t forget to create the directory or that postgres user needs to be able to write to it… took me couple of days to realize that.

Ok, time to fix with production. Where you don’t have the portal and database on the same server. Weird errors in my logs! Well, apparently there is a different conf for connections that comes from outside the server that you have to edit. Yay now it works! Almost! The portal doesn’t like it’s permissions, but we gave permission to write in all the important folders? ooooh, you write a log in the /bin folder? WHY ON EARTH? Yeah, you can’t move it, wooops?!

Well, that are all the bigger stuff. Had a lot of bumbs on the way that had to be fixed. I have learned a lot and have a better view of how things look like in the start. Not like I’m used to coming in at the middle when everything is already up and running “smoothly”.

Now I just have to fix our UPS. Apparently, we need a legacy card since the firmware on our server doesn’t know how to talk serial at 9600, instead it talks at 2400. And no, it can’t be fixed with a row in config. We tried.

Just love new projects. Everything goes wrong for so long… Oh almost forgot… Our production APP server and DB server can’t talk to eachother! So, this is gonna be interesting getting all the database connections to work from the APP server. Whee…

People

Posted in "Psychology", English, Humanaty, Reflections, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on August 15, 2011 by Nemie

I have never said that I was perfect or that I was better than others. Just keep saying that some people need improving.

We are all different. We all feel different. We think different. We act differently and most of all we all live our own lives.

I know people around me work differently than me. I know they don’t see the world as I do, but how the hell can some people be so ignorant?
No respect for others. No respect for themselves. Everything is other peoples fault and the worlds.
They take no responsibility nor do they admit being wrong.

I work as an IT-Consultant and that means working with both people and hardware. I prefer hardware because it’s easier to get a straight answer from them than people and they don’t blame others for their faults. ( yes occasionally that might happen when everything is broken )
People tend to ignore what has been told and what might be right. They try to keep their own skin by putting the fault on someone else.

Humans are the species that loves to make each other suffer. We fight and we brawl. We use angry and hurting words and we freeze out those we don’t want to deal with.

Why is it so hard for some people to just listen, take it in and try to understand what the other person is trying to tell them?
How hard can it be to try doing as asked?
Why not ask for help to learn when stuck instead of shrugging your shoulders and ignoring the problem? The problem won’t walk away on it’s own.
Why blame someone else on something you could have fixed, if you just hadn’t ignored it?

You see everything at work. The battles, the wrongness, the thoughtless, the blamers, the ignores and all that should be so easy.
We all make mistakes. We learn from them. We try not to do them again.
However, even we do mistakes, we can’t just ignore everything. If we start ignoring what we are supposed to see, hear or do, we will never accomplish anything. We can’t climb under a rock a hide every time something comes up that we don’t know how to deal with. Someone has to do it, if it comes to your table you need to take it! Learn, study, fix and grow!

I myself have done many great mistakes. Never want to do them again, so I have learned from them. I will keep making mistakes, but then I learn something new again.
That is how life works. We learn during our travels and we adapt to what we want to be.
We use others knowledge to grow our own and adapt it to our own advantage. Make it better, make it more useful.

Systems are created by us humans, and they are superior. They show us all the cards when asked the right way and the problem get fixed.
Ask the same questions to a human and all you get is more confusion and frustration.

Will people learn to listen? Will people learn to adapt?
So many does today, but we still have the ones that don’t know which way is up. Just keep stomping on one place hoping to get noticed. Maybe saved.

The shadows of the past

Posted in "Psychology", English, Humanaty, Reflections, Thoughts on June 18, 2011 by Nemie

Life has so many ways of presenting itself. You walk this path and look straight ahead, trying to find your way through it all. It presents you with so many trials and questions without any real answers. You find yourself stumbling this narrow pathway of scenes from your past, all the do’s and don’ts.

When you stop… Look around and listen. What is it that you see? What is that you hear? Do you hear whispers of the past? Do you see the future you? Or is it all just a big mess of stuff that you shouldn’t be thinking about or just all the hopes and dreams you once had?

I have been wondering about life and it’s grand plan for me. My life has never been easy or understandable. I have gone through many trials to find who I am and what I can do, but I still don’t know what I am becoming. The past hunts me, all the unanswered questions that no-one can answer. I try to picture the future, but it doesn’t seem so bright when your past darkness the outcome.

What is it that makes people dwell on the past? Is it really that amusing to remember everything you have ever gone through? Trying to find the puzzle pieces of something you can’t make sense of?

Shrinks tends to say that: “You just have to try and make peace of it all. Trying to find a balance and see what it is that makes you not forget.” Well… If I could get all the answers that I need, maybe I could stop thinking about it. That’s not gonna happen, so I want a plan B.

World is tho, much worse for many others. There are people who don’t know how to climb up from their dark holes that they managed to fall into. Others just don’t care enough I suppose.
I saw this show where a kid run away from orphanage when he was 5 and took care of himself since then. He was 17 or something when I saw the show, and he had the most amazing singing voice! He had trained himself just because he really loved singing. It was the only thing he really loved and he wanted to be good at it. I cried when I heard his story and heard him sing. It was truly amazing.

I watch a lot of documentaries about people who have suffered and their lives have been crushed. Not because I enjoy it or think it’s amusing, but to learn. You can learn a lot of how people have been totally crushed and they manage to rebuild themselves even after all the hardship they’ve gone through. They get to tell their story, show you how they took themselves from nothing to today. Just seeing them being proud and happy of what they have accomplished makes me happy. People who have strength to make a difference in their lives and not letting life get to them in the most awful ways… That is us humans. We fight back, and we fight hard!

Some days are just harder than others. We get new trials and we pass them all. There are no failures, just different outcomes. Some outcomes are not so good for us and some aren’t what we wanted, but you can’t get all you want either. If we got everything we wanted, always, we would destroy everything. The balance lies in that some get and some loose. Some loose more than others… Some say it’s karma, but I tend to think it’s all about timing and the people involved. I have had my share of loosing and got through it. Think I gained a lot of knowledge and got harder skin for it. I can take more crap out of life than most of my friends, but it’s only because I have seen the really dark side of life. I can’t see life and the world as a one happy place where everything turns out how I want it to. It has never been that way and it probably never will. I just make my own path now, I walk it and I tend to it. Life can do what it want’s with me, as long as it keeps it’s hands of my loved ones.

Where do we all end up in the end? Heaven? Hell? Limbo? Reincarnation? These are the hard questions. Not so much for thinking about my death and what I will become after. I just want to have a life without thinking about the past. Not letting it all get to me, ruining everything I have worked for. Someday, I will find my plan B and start looking at the future instead of the past. The shadows shall remain as shadows.

Tiden går

Posted in Reflections, Thoughts on March 16, 2010 by Nemie

Det är fantastisk hur tiden bara flyger ifrån en ibland. Hinner knappt tänka på en sak så har det gått flera dagar.
Mostern min ringde på min födelsedag och grattade mig. Då insåg jag att jag har inte pratat med henne sen hennes födelsedag över en månad innan. Som vanligt säger det vanliga: “Har varit meningen att ringa, men jag glömmer bort det hela tiden.” Och som vanligt så gör det inget. Ibland funderar jag dock ifall hon faktist inte tar illa upp. Inte meningen att glömma bort henne, men det är bara så mycket runt omkring som man ska ha koll på. Min stackars huvud hänger inte riktigt med. Glömmer saker hela tiden, verkar bara bli värre och värre. Snart vet jag nog inte ens vad jag själv heter.

Åren bara springer iväg. Suttit och tänkt på den dagen 18år sen jag flyttade till ny gård och träffade en tjej i trapphuset. Hon blev strax efteråt min bästa vän och vi är det fortfarande. Hon är ett av de bästa vänner jag har och henne kommer jag aldrig glömma bort. Det är svårt tro att jag har haft vänner i 18år, samma vänner. Det är lustigt hur vissa bara ramlar bort och man aldrig tänker på de igen, men sen finns det några som sitter fast som klister.

Har bott i Sverige 12år nu… Vet inte om det är bra eller dåligt än, men jag har ett liv och det är nog bra. Saknar Finland.
Det är mycket jag har gjort sedan jag kom hit. Eller ja, släpades hit. De 2 första åren var rena mardrömmen. Kunde ingen svenska och finska klasserna var så efter i utbildningen. Allt var så främmande och konstigt. Inget var som det var förut.
Då saknade jag Finland väldigt mycket. Det släppte lite med tiden, men det var bara begravd av sorg och ilska upptäckte jag senare. Det är inte samma.. Det är något annat, som jag inte kan ta in. Sverige är inte och lär inte bli mitt hem. Jag är här bara tillfälligt. Hur länge tillfälligt är, vet jag inte än. Allt beror på framtiden.

Livet är bara lustigt. Inget blir egentligen som man tänkt sig. Inte för mig iaf. Var på ett bröllop i somras där tjejen hade sagt redan när hon var 5år gammal att hon ska resa bort och inte bo i Sverige. Hon hade rest bort, kommit tillbaka och rest igen. Nu bor hon i Osaka, Japan med sin japanska man. Helt otroligt. Jag har sagt så många gånger att “så här ska jag göra”, men jag fastnar hela tiden. Kan inte bara lämna allt och åka. Skulle antagligen vara annorlunda om jag inte var i ett underbart förhållande. Dock så kommer jag försöka flytta ur Sverige en vacker dag. Hur bra det går vet jag inte, men det märker jag. Vill helst inte lämna hälften av mig kvar i Sverige, skulle bli lite jobbigt.

Drömmar är något man ska ha. Man ska försöka hitta något man vill nå. Jag har inte hittat mitt än, men det kommer nog.
Antar mitt mål är att hitta ett mål just nu.

Finland

Posted in Reflections, Thoughts on December 20, 2009 by Nemie

Det är intressant hur vissa ställen alltid finns där. De verkar inte ändras alls och känns lika trevliga. Älskar verkligen att komma hem till Finland ibland, även det tar på krafterna att resa.

Känns verkligen som att man kommer hem igen när jag kliver ur bilen i Lahti (Lahtis). Bara se allt som fanns redan när jag var liten och inse att det är precis som innan. Alla mina kusiner är kvar och min bästa vän. Det är svårt att tro att vi har kännt varandra i 17år redan. Känns som igår vi gick i lågstadiet tillsammans.

Riina är en underbar vän, aningen vild, men otroligt mysig. Jag älskar komma tillbaka och få spendera tid med henne. Hon får mig verkligen att sakna allt här. Påminner mig om hur det var att bo här ute.

Vintrarna är otroligt kalla och det känns som att näsan/tårna ramlar av. Men landskapet är så vacker. Saknar lite den här småstora staden… Den är inte för stor eller för liten. Man har allt man behöver. Det är inte heller långt till större städer om man nu skulle behöva något speciellt som man kanske inte får tag i, förutom i större affärer.

Mest är det väl att jag skulle vilja vara nära systern min. Börjar bli lite små beroende av att ha henne nära. Ungefär den enda familjen jag har kvar. Mår bra nära henne. Även hennes söner är söta så länge de inte låter alltför mycket. Alltid undrat hur det skulle vara att vara nära sin familj. Finnas med i bilden lite oftare än 1-2ggr per år.

Kanske kommer en dag när man faktist lever lite närmare eller är rikare och kan flyga över oftare. Det skulle vara trevligt. Jag saknar verkligen Finland, mina vänner, kusiner och det vore trevligt att vara lite bättre moster till syrrans ungar.

Sami är 5år och riktigt smart. Han kommer nog bli något riktigt bra när han blir stor.
Joni är 4år och är den vilda av de 2. Han är verkligen överallt och ska hoppa och leka konstant. Han har sån temperament. Men han är söt han också.

Jag vill se de växa upp och lära sig saker… Det är skoj av nån anledning. Borde vara i Finland lite oftare. Det kommer nog.
Nu ska jag njuta av de sista timmarna i Finland innan jag ska flfga hem igen och fortsätta med vardagen.

Death

Posted in English, Reflections, Thoughts on December 1, 2009 by Nemie

Everywhere, every day, every hour… Someone dies somewhere.

How do we cope with that? Knowing, they all are gonna die, we are never to see them again.
They will fade from the world, leaving us with endless line of questions, staring at the stars and wondering.

What is out there for us, after we die? Is there something or is it just a myth? Or are we gonna get reincarnated and become cats or mice? Can you choose what you wanna be? Can we be ghost after? Haunting the people we love, letting them know that we are okay.

I don’t know what to believe, but I want to believe that you at least don’t feel pain. Dying with great pain is not a fun way to go. I just wish that it all will go away after. That you don’t feel anything, you become whole again.

Wondering where we go, if we go anywhere. Teasing with the thought of reincarnation and ghosts.
I hate death, it takes all the good people around me and leaves me alone with the bad.
Cancer, heart attack, unknown disease, murder, suicide or age. I have seen a lot of ways to go, all near me. Tearing me apart, but I will rise. I just hate death.